Wednesday, February 10, 2010
a star is born.
sorry about the scantily clad part, i'm hoping everyone has seen a woman in a slip before and you aren't too appalled. i'm including this one because i do believe this is the first ever fats photo....and i didn't take it! obviously. kelly merchant was the first one to photograph him/us. she came to my yard sale and saw that i had bunnies and wanted to bring over a bunch of vintage clothes and do a photo shoot of me and the buns. twist my arm kelly!
i love looking back at this day and remembering how much fun it was. even then, fats was less than a year old he had his little paw on my leg as if to let it be known that this was HIS mama and he's going to always protect me.
when remove myself and observe the grieving process, i've been amazed about a lot of it. the first week it wasn't real. i had plenty of fits of tears, but nothing like what i expected. in the last month or so, anticipating his possible departure, to be honest i truly had no idea how i'd survive it. in the sorrow of it all and watching myself function i knew he was protecting me. posting the other day about him and going through some archives of videos to find unseen footage was much more than i was ready for but i'd like to really thank you all for helping and loving and remembering him the way you have. it DOES transform the pain.
maybe it's just that feeling blocked or scared keeps one stagnant. i've been so scared to open this experience up to the blogging world, so scared of how crippling making the post about him felt, so scared of how much i knew it was going to hurt that i hadn't been able to do it. now that i've done it and had the biggest cry yet, i think it's (his death) getting real finally. and with that finality comes a certain knowingness that just like you all say, his spirit is still here. it's not just with me, it's with all of us. i keep reaching down to pet him just in case he's a furry little ghost at my ankles and in my limited 'state' i simply can not see him. you can do it too, he's probably visiting all of us now that he isn't confined to his body. nuage looks up in this weird way to one particular corner of the cabin and doesnt' move. this is new, he's fixated, i really do think he sees something that i don't.
by the way bells and nuage have basically been doing their best rendition of cirque du soleil and truly are living proof that you just can't be depressed around a bunny.